and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
