Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize