She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
