I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
