Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
