the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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