Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
