I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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