It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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