When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
