sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
