She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
