homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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