does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
