You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
