How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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