The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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