so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
she peed on how many people?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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