My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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