We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
