I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize