The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
