don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
