New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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