Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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