So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
