I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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