Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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