Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
