i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
