I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
