His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
