Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
