I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
