I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
