I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
