Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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