I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
