Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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