My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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