I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I think my vagina is haunted
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
