I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
