exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
