Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
