im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
