it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
he quoted the bible to break up with me
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
