hotel room ftw
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
