I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Randomize
