whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
