you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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