is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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