i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
