Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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