Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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