Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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