I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
